Reasoning On Ill-will & Procrastination
Last week I spoke to a friend at work who turned out to share my views about our working conditions. We are both bored and uninspired by our daily routine, or let’s call it the humdrum of work. She even told me that she had set a deadline for herself; that at the end of the year she expects to be seeing herself somewhere else. My jaw dropped when I heard it. Maybe it was for admiration to her courage and strong will, or for my own lack of courage and strong will. I have rarely set any deadlines or goals for myself and any attempts to do it have proven unsuccessful. My New Year’s resolution has been –pathetically- the same: to lose weight. Year after year, it transforms itself to be New Month’s resolution as it lasts only in January. As a matter of fact, instead of at least maintaining the same numbers on the bathroom scale, I gain weight. J
I know that a lot of people have the similar ill-will issues. A friend promised himself to quit smoking but until now he still takes one or two puffs on his cigarette. Another friend swore to me she would kiss her bad boyfriend goodbye and up to now they still stick together (kinda reminds me that some couples ARE match made in hell). Hey I am not saying I am any good in this department either ;-p Human minds are naturally scattered and weak, right? However in the most extreme situations, I would be a very determined and driven person towards my goals. I remember when I was doing my ‘skripsi’. I actually worked 15 hours a day reading, typing, revising, re-reading, re-typing, etc. I finished it in a week. Of course the preparatory stages were months earlier when I collected 1000 pages of materials and read them all.
Personally, I hate deadlines. Yet, I usually function quite well under tight schedules. Just don’t be around when I do my job J I would be cranky, sensitive, and ignorant of other’s feelings. That is why I hate deadlines and pressures. They make me a horrible person, resentful at most times, and resented by others. I can make it up the next day, be nice and wear a good mood all day but the hurtful remark I made may stay long enough. I cannot take it back, can I?
What makes my ill-will issues worse is that I seem to make procrastination a way of life. I make myself believe that every thing has its own perfect timing. I did not tidy up my room today because I did not feel like to. I hope tomorrow brings better vibe and I will at least sweep the floor. It goes the same with making important phone calls or talking to the boss. I always procrastinate and only do them when I am at peace with ‘the voice within’. Normally it works for me! So far I have no regrets of telling or doing things later than I was supposed to. I even believe that denying my gut feeling will bring adverse effects; that doing things sooner than what I was prepared for would be detrimental. For my part, it would be my peace of mind compromised at the first place.
I am not sure if I can hold on to this habit any longer. In my private life, there are times when I question my ability to make decisions. If I know separation is in store for us, why in the world do I wait any longer to decide it? I know the answer, to be honest the thought of actually having nobody special is more daunting than our misery of non-stop arguing. It is definitely way too late to work on my New Year’s resolution (and I am far too lazy to do that!). I also haven’t got the clear picture of moving on or landing on a better job that will pay me twice as much. But it is not too late to claim happiness. I will start with the most sensible decision of the day. I am going to bed.
