Fenny’s Fun Pensieve

I’ve never expected that this song become relevant again. I posted this entry when I was emotionally crushed and heart-broken with a guy (call him Mr. A). Almost a year later, once again I am dealing with similar heart-breaking experience. This time it’s with Mr. B. All of a sudden I remembered the song this morning and thought it would be a crazy idea to re-post it. Yet, here I am…writing the prologue of my torment J I hope next year I won’t re-post it again (which means I hope to escape another unfortunate love story).

For Mr. B if you happen to read this, this is the truth I am speaking of.

The Lyrics

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
I’m taking your advice and I’m looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole damn thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day will sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I’m all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

You and I both loved what you and I spoke of
And others just read of and if you could see now
Well I’m already finally out of

And it’s okay if you have to go away

Just remember the telephone works both ways
And the more you follow through

There’s always more left-over not too much explained to you

And if never ever you find your love

I would be your lifeline

I would never miss a phone call

but if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that’s okay
cause I’ll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I’m already finally out of words.

 

This topic was discussed on Oprah last week or so. Had you watched it, you would know what I was going to talk about. First of all, there is a familiarity when I heard it. I mean this has been popped out a lot in every girlfriends’ talk. For those of you, so-called working mums you know exactly how hard it is to juggle motherhood and career. There must be mornings when you were about to burst into tears when your son told you he had not done his homework and at the same time your boss called you to remind you about an important meeting you could not be coming late to. Yes, domestic crises and professional dilemmas can break out any time. You would feel like you were punished for not loving your children enough. You would wish your boss or your colleagues show a little sympathy –or much better-understanding that you NEED to leave earlier for your daughter’s ballet class.

Nonetheless, do you actually think that stay-at-home mums are perfectly happy? Reflecting upon my own mum’s experience, I seriously doubt it. Being a melancholic typed of person, she is very composed and organized. She was the brightest student in her class but my grandpa would not let her go to college because of her gender role. It was 1975, what can you expect? Then she dedicated her brilliance to help building her family’s business and of course, domestic work. She cooked, sewed, cleaned the housed and washed the clothes, all done manually in a very effective manner. Until now, as her daughter I failed to, at least, have half of her prowess. It may be because she is much of a perfectionist that she would not let me mess up her kitchen or her effective-already method of ironing. Yet I know the truth. She was not enthusiastic to share her domestic skill because she thought it was a total waste of talent. She would murmur in her famed pout ‘Am I making any money by cleaning this house or ironing your shirts? Nope.’ Yep, she is never proud of her excellent career as a housewife.

She is the reason I studied so hard to ensure a college degree, and afterwards a promising career. Looking back, I don’t think I would make it without her constant support and 24-hour loving presence. The tickling question is what would I have turned out to be if my mum had been a working mum? With no mum to cook my favorite lunch or pick me up from afternoon class? Would I be less of a studious girl and more of attention-seeking person? Maybe I would have my first date at the age of 16, instead of 22! Or maybe I would have failed in Ebtanas because I was crying all night, broken-hearted. I don’t know but deep down I am sure that I would not be the same person I am now had I been raised by a working mum.

Life is a big joke, isn’t it? What would my mum say if I told her someday I want to quit my job and stay at home for my children? Hahaha…I cannot imagine her response. In fact, she often jokes that when I get married and produce grand children for her, she would not mind to babysit my children for me while I am at work. Well, that day is still only in my wildest dream. I don’t have any plans of getting married before I turn 27. Meanwhile, let me think of my options J

Last week I spoke to a friend at work who turned out to share my views about our working conditions. We are both bored and uninspired by our daily routine, or let’s call it the humdrum of work. She even told me that she had set a deadline for herself; that at the end of the year she expects to be seeing herself somewhere else. My jaw dropped when I heard it. Maybe it was for admiration to her courage and strong will, or for my own lack of courage and strong will. I have rarely set any deadlines or goals for myself and any attempts to do it have proven unsuccessful. My New Year’s resolution has been –pathetically- the same: to lose weight. Year after year, it transforms itself to be New Month’s resolution as it lasts only in January. As a matter of fact, instead of at least maintaining the same numbers on the bathroom scale, I gain weight. J

I know that a lot of people have the similar ill-will issues. A friend promised himself to quit smoking but until now he still takes one or two puffs on his cigarette. Another friend swore to me she would kiss her bad boyfriend goodbye and up to now they still stick together (kinda reminds me that some couples ARE match made in hell). Hey I am not saying I am any good in this department either ;-p Human minds are naturally scattered and weak, right? However in the most extreme situations, I would be a very determined and driven person towards my goals. I remember when I was doing my ‘skripsi’. I actually worked 15 hours a day reading, typing, revising, re-reading, re-typing, etc. I finished it in a week. Of course the preparatory stages were months earlier when I collected 1000 pages of materials and read them all.

Personally, I hate deadlines. Yet, I usually function quite well under tight schedules. Just don’t be around when I do my job J I would be cranky, sensitive, and ignorant of other’s feelings. That is why I hate deadlines and pressures. They make me a horrible person, resentful at most times, and resented by others. I can make it up the next day, be nice and wear a good mood all day but the hurtful remark I made may stay long enough. I cannot take it back, can I?

What makes my ill-will issues worse is that I seem to make procrastination a way of life. I make myself believe that every thing has its own perfect timing. I did not tidy up my room today because I did not feel like to. I hope tomorrow brings better vibe and I will at least sweep the floor. It goes the same with making important phone calls or talking to the boss. I always procrastinate and only do them when I am at peace with ‘the voice within’. Normally it works for me! So far I have no regrets of telling or doing things later than I was supposed to. I even believe that denying my gut feeling will bring adverse effects; that doing things sooner than what I was prepared for would be detrimental. For my part, it would be my peace of mind compromised at the first place.

I am not sure if I can hold on to this habit any longer. In my private life, there are times when I question my ability to make decisions. If I know separation is in store for us, why in the world do I wait any longer to decide it? I know the answer, to be honest the thought of actually having nobody special is more daunting than our misery of non-stop arguing. It is definitely way too late to work on my New Year’s resolution (and I am far too lazy to do that!). I also haven’t got the clear picture of moving on or landing on a better job that will pay me twice as much. But it is not too late to claim happiness. I will start with the most sensible decision of the day. I am going to bed.