Fenny’s Fun Pensieve

♫ I believe the sun should never set upon an argument ♫

The beginning of the song is a fascinating line – genius Darren Hayes!. Although it is true that if there is no argument among us, human beings, the world maybe still (perceived as) flat. Argument is a double-edge sword, in one way it surely takes us forward. Science wouldn’t have evolved if arguments had not existed in the first place. However, arguments did lead us to two world wars. And any sane individual won’t pray for the third! I can say that I am a pacifist, an altruist wanna-be, and I am willing to compromise to avoid any argument whenever such situation arises.

♫ I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands ♫

Of course it is so tempting to involve yourself in an argument when you see a victory smiles at you, when it takes just one smart speech to win it. And just to add the drama, you can deliver your brilliant ideas vigorously and it is indeed very sweet to see your opponent blushes with shame. In other words, your argument wins you a personal victory, at the expense of other. Sadly, sometimes all of us need to feed our egos and an argument seems to be a good way.

♫ I believe that the most attractive features are your heart and soul ♫

Even worse, we would take our argument in a silent mode and we plan carefully to make the best use of every situation (that also makes backstabbing and sabotage acceptable) to serve our interests or goals. Workplace is a perfect stage to –or not to- practice this move. My experience tells me a lot about this as I make the conscious call either to take part or to stay away from ‘the war zone’. But what if the damage is done? That is the interesting part and until today I must admit that I’m frustrated with some circumstances disadvantage me at times I cannot fight back (the truth is I choose not to strike back as my ethical standard and conscience do a great job). As a good friend of mine put it ‘it is always the best feeling when we go to bed every night knowing that we didn’t harm or hurt anybody that day’, I always get that satisfaction and relief for not failing my conscience.

♫ I believe in karma what you give is what you get return ♫

Yet as I get up in the morning and like many others, I have to prepare my self for long hours at work, sometimes (many times?) the pain is unbearable. Thinking that I would be put into test again and the appeal of ‘sweet revenge’ lures me… It is not an issue of intelligence or strategy as I can usually count on my sharp mind and sensitivity. It is not that difficult to play politics, with a clear purpose to maximize your leverage over others. It is a matter of heart. I don’t want to torture my heart at the same time I feed my ego. So what can I do? Nothing! I just restrain my feelings so that no one can see how I really feel deep inside. I just continue my desperate effort to be nice and to make others feel good about themselves, even if it means I have to take those teasings and mocking smile. Just bring it on! Feed your ego, make fun of me. I don’t bother, because what you give is what you get in return. J

♫ I believe that forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness ♫

Wise men say only fools rush in. Oops this is another song.. sorry ;-p Wise men say ‘to err is human but to forgive is divine’. I just want to comment (no offense, wise men!) because you’ve said so I feel it is completely normal for me to be vindictive sometimes (okay.. maybe more frequent than sometimes.. :D). Or maybe when I finally manage to forgive those who hurt me, I still find ways to forget the mistakes and damage that has been done to me. It is tough, man! For instance, I cannot forget the face of an old doctor that harassed me sexually six years ago. And I hope I can keep my health so that I don’t have to make a visit to a doctor, even further I hope I won’t marry to a doctor!!!! See? It is hell difficult to forgive others that have hurt you, tried to assassin your character, trampled down your dignity, crushed your confidence or prevented you to grow. And you know that they do those things on purpose because (I am not sure there are logical grounds lead their moves) you have potential and you maybe grow and learn better than them. To summarize, I am so sorry Darren, I think your notion that ‘forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness’ just don’t fit me. It is way too idealistic and I am doubtful that a human being can actually do that : FORGIVE.

Remarks:

Do I have to tell you that the song here is

Savage

Garden

’s? Hello? The Australian duo famous in the late 90’s. They maybe breaking up but I personally think that Australians do a better job than Swedish. Come on…can you mention one musical figure from

Sweden

other than ABBA? Definitely Savage Garden rules!

Within last week, I’ve experienced two earthquakes which made me-along with others-left the building in a rush, using emergency stairs of course. I didn’t think much when it was happening but afterwards something bumped my head, the thinking of our mortality and our transient life. Yes, we can die anytime of anything: disease, accident, murder, or natural calamity. And maybe we wouldn’t be that fortunate (or unfortunate?) to have some thoughts cross our minds before we die. Maybe we would black out and wake up realizing (or maybe not..) we’re dead. I’m not going to talk about life after death here, I’m too inexperienced to talk about such issues… ;-p Somewhat related to my previous entry on early 20’s crisis, as you all may have guessed what I’m talking about, the main thing I want to emphasize here is I’M DAMN TOO YOUNG TO DIE! Maybe we will argue that no matter how old we are, we would never be completely prepared to die. Nonetheless I think we have so-called ideal portrayal or prerequisites that all of us yearn for before we die. Things such as family (at least a husband/wife), recognition, knowledge (this includes experiences and expertise, for instance climb Himalayas or travel around the world), and some kind of satisfactions gained from having lived long enough as a human being. I haven’t accomplished any single above-mentioned-prerequisites. I’m 23 years young, single, have no ‘significant other’, never been overseas (even I’ve never been outside Java!), haven’t got any expertise to be proud of, and above all I haven’t found inner peace or known essential pilgrim of my life. That’s why the idea of dying young gets me a chill. It’s because if it happens to me, I’ll feel that life has failed me (or the other way around). These days I often find myself in deep thought about things I’ve been going through. I hate those moments because many times I end up not knowing what I should do next or which path I have to choose. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or where I’m heading to… Two options are enough to give me a hard time, figuring out which one is the best. And sadly, this life gives us privilege of having a wide range of possibilities. That is not necessarily a bad thing, of course. Yet for someone prone to be indecisive like me such situations leave me helpless and paralyzed in some sense. At the moment I’m writing this entry, I’ve just got myself into a situation where I have more than one options to consider in my career and life in general. Things become so perplexing. I hope soon I will have the honor to understand a little bit more about my own journey. See? I’m just a f*cked up girl who tries to find a peace of mind… That’s why I don’t understand those guys who have thought that my presence made a difference in their lives or I have enlightened them in one way. How come I enlighten someone else while I’m finding it so difficult to enlighten myself?

Last weekend I stayed over a friend’s house. We went to same highschool (1997-2000) and then had bachelor degrees in different colleges. Yet, we still keep in touch in some ways and meet occassionally to catch up each other’s stories and updates. My friend, a young and bright girl now working for a private bank, shared her thoughts that as a ‘recent graduate’ (the reason I put this in parentheses is we actually have more than 1 year working experience) who just start up our career, we are now in a race. A race to build our career the right way, a race to find a prospective husband/wive, a race to pursue masters degree to be better-equipped in our life and career, and so on, and so forth. And why now? Yes, it’s now or never! Because we’re now in our early 20’s and everything good and better and best must be started now! Or else we will lose out in this fierce competition and have to spend the rest of our lives as losers… ‘MEMENTO MORI!’

I startled with a shock to know that her thoughts and fears are similar to mine. Then we couldn’t help to wonder as to why we have to be part of the race. Look, we hold bachelor degree and we’re lucky enough to be employed. We have supportive family and friends who are proud of what we’ve accomplished so far and trust our judgment. Why can’t we just enjoy the ride and be happy with what the future holds for us?

The answer to this question may vary. I will tell you some facts to consider.

1. Twenties are our golden era and it happens right here, right now. The good news is we are here too, conscious as well.

If you pay attention to the TV commercial of babies’ milk (I don’t recall which brand) that tickles every parents’ mind : Do you see gold?

It implies that early childhood is a very important for a person’s growth. That if we give proper nurture and nutrition to our children, we can proudly say that we have done our significant part in bringing them up, with high hopes for their future. The TV ad mainly targets parents as potential buyer of their product because the children who consume the product are not fully conscious of the importance of their golden era. They may be sucking up their toes when you try to inject the idea of ‘golden growth era’ to their brains!

Equally important as the early childhood stage is our 20’s. It’s our own golden era that we can grasp totally and consciously as it’s our call to decide what we think the best for us. Not your parents, not your friend, unless you experience the ‘failure to launch’ syndrome preventing you to live your own life as a grown-up.

2. For most of us, 20’s are the average age when we finish our degree, start a full-time job and prepare to settle down.

We start our independence (in some terms), no matter how close our ties with family. Although we may live alone when we study at college, we still depend on our parents’ money (at least for tuition fee). Now that we have our degrees and we have a job, we’re involved with the real life’s demands and needs. And decisions we make at this stage are critical and relevant for the rest of our lives. Such as, if we choose to work for government as civil servant we will have different life style and of course different future from our friend who works as a financial advisor, for instance. The first job you have doesn’t account for how you will live your career for good, BUT it definitely will be on your resume. And it’s up to you whether or not you will stay in that business/industry/company. Just remember that if you don’t have what you like, you have to like what you have! It’s not that easy finding a job nowadays and you just can’t keep changing job the way you change your clothes. It will have devastating effect to your career and professionalism. That’s why, every decision counts. Every step taken will lead you closer or farther to your destination. Sad to say, we’re forced to make every single of it on a daily basis. And once you screw up, the worst scenario is you’re f*cked up for the rest of your life! *evil grin*

3. A lots of strategic decisions are best made now

Imagine: you’re single, have no husband/wife nor kids, you’re old enough to take care of yourself and not to make your mom worried about you. Come on! You can backpack to Europe or take masters in Australia or take new assignment in Saudi Arabia (regardless financial issues to support these activities :D). Twenties are your very moment and so often, those chances won’t come to you again.

4. Think about future husband/wife? This is it.

Like the law of nature says, it’s the early bird that catches the worm. (I don’t want to put it in plural noun to avoid those of you think that I’m a bigamy proponent). As a matter of fact, you have more choices than when you are in your 30’s. Because all the nutritious worms belong to other birds already. And maybe you will end up alone for the rest of your lives, with breast cancer because you don’t breastfeed your baby (you don’t even have a baby, hello?) or utery cancer because you never conceive a baby. Freaking nightmare, huh? I’m scared to death, honestly! And just to add to our nightmare is the story of an old lady dies alone and her cats eat her face…

5. It’s all about the picture perfect.

If  you read those lifestyle and beauty magazines, you know exactly what I’m talking about. We live in a society that put youth on a pedestal, when we glorify the concept of being young and successful. Do you know that a significant portion of the richest people on earth are those under 27? And they’re not people who were born rich. Let’s face it, they’re goddamn brilliant and fortunate. And we can’t want anything but similar story happening to our lives. And we don’t even have to think about those socialites and ‘new rich’, just take a look at our friends and acquaintances. Do they look more successful than you? Are they living a happier life? Voila! You’re suffering early 20’s crisis, just like me and my friend.

I won’t draw any conclusions because the truth is, I can’t figure out any. Each of us is struggling with our own battle and trying to be the leading star of our own movie. The tragic part is not the sad ending of the movie but the fact that some of us refuse to take the leading role and satisfied with the supporting role of their own movies. Because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not give your best effort - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived… Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike. And you could be the Forbes cover one day! CARPE DIEM (seize the day)…

Interesting link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memento_mori

Akhir2 ini beberapa teman mempercayakan kehidupan cinta mereka kepadaku, which is a great thing! Bagaimana seorang teman lelaki yang sudah lebih dari 50 kali berpacaran, masih mengetuk pintuku untuk nasihat dan saran. Kedengaran tidak masuk akal, tapi begitulah yang terjadi Dan fakta bahwa aku, a hapless single most of 24 years of my life, menerima kehormatan itu kadang masih jadi hadiah besar yang aku terima dengan suka cita… Seorang teman yang lain, berbagi kegelisahan tentang perempuan yang hampir tiga minggu lalu ditembaknya. Awalnya ia menanyakan padaku alamat situs yang menyediakan kata2 indah penuh cinta. Tahulah aku kalau aku sedang berhadapan dengan seorang lelaki romantis yang mendambakan cinta. Ide tentang situs itu, aku tidak tahu kelanjutannya. Tapi yang jelas, aku memberikannya my own love lines. Salah satu bakat terbaik yang aku rasa aku miliki (!) –tanpa berniat menjadi sombong di sini- adalah menuangkan apresiasi dan esensi perasaanku mengenai cinta dalam serangkaian kata2. Semuanya berbahasa Inggris, sungguh lucu di mana kita bisa menjadi seorang romantis dengan bahasa yang bukan bahasa ibunya. Ya, aku merasa bebas mencurahkan kata-kata cinta itu yang muncul dari pemikiran seksama dan kedalaman jiwa (hehehe) dalam bahasa Inggris. Because if I write in Bahasa, I will leave my paper clean because I don’t have anything worth writing. Too corny

By the way, kata2 cintaku mendapat pujian dari teman ini *tawa bahagia*. Terima kasih, kawan! Tapi aku belum mendapat kabar apakah cintanya diterima atau tidak, promise to let you know later.

Kembali ke persoalan utama yang mau aku bicarakan, bagaimana seorang yang tergolong naif sepertiku dalam bercinta bisa membantu seorang kawakan, pakar, pro (terserah istilah apa yang mau kita gunakan) dalam hal percintaan? Sebelumnya, meet Adrian (nama samaran). 27 tahun, single, sejauh ini cukup berhasil di pekerjaannya, kepribadiannya cukup menarik, punya apartemen sendiri, dan punya BMW Z3 (you know that sporty car with two-passenger-seats only) Poin terakhir sepertinya perlu kita underline and bold with large font! Hehehe… Di dunia yang begitu memuja materi ini, kepemilikan akan hal2 yang menyilaukan mata dan mengundang decak kagum adalah sebuah misi suci bagi banyak orang. Tapi menurut pengakuannya, dia justru mencari hal-hal lain yang disukai perempuan dalam dirinya, di samping faktor Z3 itu J Begitu cliche kesannya? Yah tapi kita lihat saja apakah perjuangannya berhasil… Dan percaya atau tidak, aku membantunya dalam proses itu. Sesuatu yang terdengar menggelikan karena dia mempunyai pengalaman dengan puluhan perempuan dengan berbagai jenis dan bentuk, and he claims that he’s got no clue with women?! Anyway, let’s just buy that idea otherwise I wouldn’t write this entry. Setelah merenungkannya, aku sadar apa dari diriku yang bisa membantunya. Hampir seluruh waktu kedewasaanku, waktu dihitung sejak aku mengenal ketertarikan dengan lawan jenis, aku memimpikan banyak momen mendebarkan, sikap Dolce Vita, kata2 yang diucapkan pada saat yang tepat, dan takaran yang pas untuk sebuah chemistry. Dan siapa yang menyangka, kalau, seperti kata-kata temanku tadi, aku bisa mewakili semua pikiran perempuan dan angan2 romantisnya. Dia tidak hendak menggeneralisir semua perempuan dalam satu kotak bodoh yang sama, tapi seperti yang aku sepakati bahwa kaum perempuan in general has shared ideas and somekind of acceptable standard of male’s behavior. Bagaimana kita dapat mengatakan kalau lelaki ini ‘sweet’ atau ‘down to earth’ atau membawa dirinya secara tepat. Straight to our hearts! Hal2 inilah yang dapat aku bagikan kepadanya. Ini hanya mungkin terjadi ketika aku menundukkan egoku (layaknya ego semua perempuan lain) untuk tidak menganggap aku unik dan punya kebutuhan2 khusus when it comes to relationship. Aku hanya mencoba berpikir sebagai perempuan dan menjawab pertanyaan2 dan keingintahuannya. Bagaimana tentang kesan pertama, apa yang diinginkan perempuan dalam pertemuan pertama, dan pertanyaan2 lain yang dianggapnya penting (dan aku selalu tertawa sebelum menjawab, karena ehm… halooo.. ini gak penting gitu loh!). Dan yang cukup mengejutkan untukku sendiri adalah aku belajar banyak dalam proses ini, untuk mengenal apa yang aku mau, tuntutan2ku dan sejauh mana ini realistis dalam sebuah angan2 tentang percintaan, dan belajar untuk konsisten ketika jawaban yang aku berikan terhadap pertanyaannya dihadapkan pada situasi di dunia nyata. Ini belum menyebut apa2 yang aku pelajari mengenai laki-laki, langsung dari sumbernya. Mengenali kapan mereka berbohong, kapan mereka ingin disanjung, kapan mereka butuh affirmasi, kapan mereka ingin dibiarkan sendiri, kapan mereka perlu sedikit dorongan untuk menentukan sikap ‘where are we going from here’, sesuatu yang banyak menyebabkan keresahan bagi banyak perempuan ketika partnernya tampak tidak kunjung memberi kepastian.

Dengan sejumput pengetahuan tentang ini dan itu, aku sadar kalau selama ini aku memang tidak realistis dalam memandang cinta. Aku memandangnya seperti pengunjung yang memandang dari luar, aku tidak pernah cukup berani mendorong diriku masuk ke dalam, karena semua bayangan dalam otakku akan kehilangan esensi dan relevansinya begitu ia menyentuh realita… Aku mengharapkan laki2 mengatakan hal2 yang tepat dalam porsi yang tepat pada saat yang tepat. Aku mengajarkan temanku hal2 yang akan membuatnya tampak ‘real’, tulus, spontan, genuinely charming, tanpa dibuat2. Sangat menyedihkan dan ironis karena semua ini memang memberikannya keberhasilan mendekati banyak perempuan, sehingga perempuan2 itu menganggapnya ‘berbeda’, somewhat ideal karena manusiawi sekali sebagai laki2, tanpa mengetahui bahwa semua itu hanya tipuan belaka… yang sayangnya diotaki dan ditulis skenarionya sebagian oleh sesama perempuan juga seperti aku…

Mungkin akhirnya, someday temanku ini akan berhasil menemukan pasangan hidupnya berkat saran2ku yang mujarab. Will they live happily everafter? Setelah aku tidak lagi memberikan tutorial, atau si lelaki akhirnya lelah dengan semua omong kosong yang aku sarankan dan memilih bersikap apa adanya? Aku selalu menekankan padanya, that at a certain point you must quit playing games and be a real man. Sementara untuk diriku sendiri, sebuah pertanyaan besar terus berkelibat di otakku: Akankah semua pendekatan ideal yang aku bayangkan akan benar2 aku hadapi di kehidupan percintaanku sendiri? Dan bagaimana aku tahu kalau dia memang benar2 seperti itu, bukan karena di belakangnya ada seorang mastermind perempuan yang mencoba skenario chemistrynya sendiri?