Fenny’s Fun Pensieve

Just come back from the holiday. Got nothing to do (yet) at work, so I decide to rant and rave on this blog I’ve been abandoning for two months…

This time I rekindle my motivation to update my blog more often. Hahaha.. who knows? Maybe this year I will be very busy that my blog will officially enter hiatus mode! Until that time comes, I’ll try to keep writing.

For starters, let me begin with my stories of

Bangkok

, KL, and

Singapore

.

Bangkok

was grrrrrreaaaat! I am not exaggerating, believe me J We spent the night roaming the night market of Pratunam (thanks to Ci Enny for recommending Baiyoke Suite Hotel). A truly unique shopping spree, it offers clothes, pashmina, souvenirs, t-shirts, food at affordable price. I had a lot of fun there, bargaining and practicing my Thai Basic stuff like Sawasdee ka (Hello), Tao rai? (How much?), Lod dai mai? (Can I have a discount?), Kob Khun ka (Thank you), and Hong nam (Toilet). Unluckily, they took them as a hint that we were locals and they responded with long sentences in Thai

We also visited some temples such as the one with Standing Buddha and

Golden

Mountain

. Got no time to visit Wat Po and

because they had a religious ceremony and open for tourists only after 1 PM. It’s okay though. I pledge myself, I will come back to visit those places. I’ll bring my family with me next time J I mean Mom, Dad, and Sis. Not family as it is of hubby and kids. Hehehehehehe…

In one temple, I released 3 birds in a cage (bought them for 100 baths). I wonder if they are still flying freely in

Bangkok

sky now. Hope they are fine… In some terms, they remind me of myself. Being in a cage (mine is invisible), longing for a lending hand to set us free and soar up high… I did myself a favor by releasing them. It gave me a new hope.

On the third day, I flew back to KL. Got very little time to drop our luggage in KL Plaza (an apartment we rented while we were in KL) and caught the bus to

Singapore

. Someone played know-it-all and directed us to the wrong terminal. We were so lucky that our tickets were finally given OK status after long argue. Next time I’ll take night train Senandung Malam as my previous trip with Monik. The bus was okay though. There was a personal TV for each seat, a luxury I refused by sleeping for half the trip. I had my period since the first day of our trip, the worst part of the journey. I was tired easily, had cramps around my abdomen, and had to change ‘diapers’ often. I even had nose bleeding in

Singapore

due to exhaustion.

Singapore

was awesome. Period. What can I say? This city never stops mesmerizing me. I’d work in

Singapore

and play in

Bangkok

, if it was for me to choose J I also had a mind-boggling encounter there. I don’t know if it was for real or it was just me being vulnerable. Being a chatty person, people often assume that I mingle easily or I have no problem to connect with others. That is not true. I am not very comfortable meeting up new people. Thus, when I feel that comfort, it is difficult to let it go. But I am getting older. Naïvette doesn’t have a place, it’s swapped with complication. Yes it is sad to meet someone you can connect with, only to realize that you may not have the chance to know him/her a little better. Well at least that’s what I feel now. Feelings do change so I should not worry too much J

Every morning on my way to work, I see the happiest people in the world. Who are they? They are people who sit and have a cup of coffee in The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. They seem very blissful as they enjoy every sip of their coffee, sometimes with freshly baked muffins. At least that is what I see when I half-walk-half-run to work, hoping that my boss comes later than I

The world offers the slightest sense of justice! How come these happy people have free time to enjoy their morning? How come they don’t drag their asses to work? Don’t they have work to do, money to earn, family to feed, bills to pay? Answers to my questions are getting clearer as I observe them closely day by day. They enjoy their morning because they enjoy their life. They don’t work, money comes easily for them. After a couple of hours having breakfast at Coffee Bean, they go shopping (Okay, I made this one up…)

But seriously, what kind of people who have breakfast at a café, 9 in the morning wearing casual clothes? Maybe some of them own some outlets in the mall. I don’t know how they make their money, what I know is they are damn rich!!!

I define my happiness differently, thanks to them. If one morning on a weekday I sit and order Macchiato at a comfy café, not worrying about my job, that is heaven. Simple eh? J

For now I have to endure having Cappucino from my office’s vending machine. Thank God.

Last week I went to PIM 2 XXI to watch this movie alone. I was the first to buy the ticket (abt 6 hours earlier) during my lunch break. I was surprised to learn that the theater was quite full. Maybe it’s the Ang Lee factor. To tell you the truth, that was not the reason I felt compelled to watch this movie. It’s the Lee Hom factor. While I haven’t met him in person (unlike my sister who did go to his showcase in China and brought home his autographed CD for me), I take the pleasure seeing him on the big screen or listening him on my iPod.

The movie was all right, I’d say watchable. Not as mind-blowing as many had expected from such a director like Ang Lee. The sex scenes were not as strong as I’d wanted to see (well, come on…I’m OVER 17!). Thank God, Lee Hom did only one kissing scene, I can have the rest in my wildest dream “hahaha….Focus focus….”

Okay, I’m here to rant and rave about women’s sacrifices for men they love. The leading lady in the movie was tricked to extremely dangerous espionage act to lure a suspected traitor. The reason behind her decision to undertake the suicidal mission was her love for a charismatic nationalist student. Whilst the dramatic espionage story involving life and death may not happen every day, women’s sacrifices take place basically every time in the form of compliance, coyness, subdued emotions, and so on. The simplest way to sacrifice is to go numb and do everything your man’s ask you to do even if it is against your will. You may not be comfortable doing pre-marital sexual activities but he says he loves you. So you try to be calm and brace yourself even though sometimes you feel very empty inside asking your worth. Or he has history of violence and when he gets upset you become his punching bag. You convince yourself that you can help him by staying at his side; that he never means to hurt you. He says he would love to see you two together forever but it can only happen if you convert to his religion. We can have 1001 ways of sacrificing our selves, all in the name of love. And the last question we want to hear is ‘Is he worth it?’

It is true that we have to validate our love through acts of caring and giving. Nonetheless when we give everything that we are, we often don’t have anything left for our self. Not even our dignity. So next time, when you ‘Stay up till four in the morning & the tears are pouring, asking yourself what you have been doing for all this time’[1] you should know that it’s your wake-up call. Leave him. Regain your worth. Embrace your soul.

I’ve never expected that this song become relevant again. I posted this entry when I was emotionally crushed and heart-broken with a guy (call him Mr. A). Almost a year later, once again I am dealing with similar heart-breaking experience. This time it’s with Mr. B. All of a sudden I remembered the song this morning and thought it would be a crazy idea to re-post it. Yet, here I am…writing the prologue of my torment J I hope next year I won’t re-post it again (which means I hope to escape another unfortunate love story).

For Mr. B if you happen to read this, this is the truth I am speaking of.

The Lyrics

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
I’m taking your advice and I’m looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole damn thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day will sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I’m all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

You and I both loved what you and I spoke of
And others just read of and if you could see now
Well I’m already finally out of

And it’s okay if you have to go away

Just remember the telephone works both ways
And the more you follow through

There’s always more left-over not too much explained to you

And if never ever you find your love

I would be your lifeline

I would never miss a phone call

but if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that’s okay
cause I’ll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I’m already finally out of words.

This topic was discussed on Oprah last week or so. Had you watched it, you would know what I was going to talk about. First of all, there is a familiarity when I heard it. I mean this has been popped out a lot in every girlfriends’ talk. For those of you, so-called working mums you know exactly how hard it is to juggle motherhood and career. There must be mornings when you were about to burst into tears when your son told you he had not done his homework and at the same time your boss called you to remind you about an important meeting you could not be coming late to. Yes, domestic crises and professional dilemmas can break out any time. You would feel like you were punished for not loving your children enough. You would wish your boss or your colleagues show a little sympathy –or much better-understanding that you NEED to leave earlier for your daughter’s ballet class.

Nonetheless, do you actually think that stay-at-home mums are perfectly happy? Reflecting upon my own mum’s experience, I seriously doubt it. Being a melancholic typed of person, she is very composed and organized. She was the brightest student in her class but my grandpa would not let her go to college because of her gender role. It was 1975, what can you expect? Then she dedicated her brilliance to help building her family’s business and of course, domestic work. She cooked, sewed, cleaned the housed and washed the clothes, all done manually in a very effective manner. Until now, as her daughter I failed to, at least, have half of her prowess. It may be because she is much of a perfectionist that she would not let me mess up her kitchen or her effective-already method of ironing. Yet I know the truth. She was not enthusiastic to share her domestic skill because she thought it was a total waste of talent. She would murmur in her famed pout ‘Am I making any money by cleaning this house or ironing your shirts? Nope.’ Yep, she is never proud of her excellent career as a housewife.

She is the reason I studied so hard to ensure a college degree, and afterwards a promising career. Looking back, I don’t think I would make it without her constant support and 24-hour loving presence. The tickling question is what would I have turned out to be if my mum had been a working mum? With no mum to cook my favorite lunch or pick me up from afternoon class? Would I be less of a studious girl and more of attention-seeking person? Maybe I would have my first date at the age of 16, instead of 22! Or maybe I would have failed in Ebtanas because I was crying all night, broken-hearted. I don’t know but deep down I am sure that I would not be the same person I am now had I been raised by a working mum.

Life is a big joke, isn’t it? What would my mum say if I told her someday I want to quit my job and stay at home for my children? Hahaha…I cannot imagine her response. In fact, she often jokes that when I get married and produce grand children for her, she would not mind to babysit my children for me while I am at work. Well, that day is still only in my wildest dream. I don’t have any plans of getting married before I turn 27. Meanwhile, let me think of my options J

Last week I spoke to a friend at work who turned out to share my views about our working conditions. We are both bored and uninspired by our daily routine, or let’s call it the humdrum of work. She even told me that she had set a deadline for herself; that at the end of the year she expects to be seeing herself somewhere else. My jaw dropped when I heard it. Maybe it was for admiration to her courage and strong will, or for my own lack of courage and strong will. I have rarely set any deadlines or goals for myself and any attempts to do it have proven unsuccessful. My New Year’s resolution has been –pathetically- the same: to lose weight. Year after year, it transforms itself to be New Month’s resolution as it lasts only in January. As a matter of fact, instead of at least maintaining the same numbers on the bathroom scale, I gain weight. J

I know that a lot of people have the similar ill-will issues. A friend promised himself to quit smoking but until now he still takes one or two puffs on his cigarette. Another friend swore to me she would kiss her bad boyfriend goodbye and up to now they still stick together (kinda reminds me that some couples ARE match made in hell). Hey I am not saying I am any good in this department either ;-p Human minds are naturally scattered and weak, right? However in the most extreme situations, I would be a very determined and driven person towards my goals. I remember when I was doing my ‘skripsi’. I actually worked 15 hours a day reading, typing, revising, re-reading, re-typing, etc. I finished it in a week. Of course the preparatory stages were months earlier when I collected 1000 pages of materials and read them all.

Personally, I hate deadlines. Yet, I usually function quite well under tight schedules. Just don’t be around when I do my job J I would be cranky, sensitive, and ignorant of other’s feelings. That is why I hate deadlines and pressures. They make me a horrible person, resentful at most times, and resented by others. I can make it up the next day, be nice and wear a good mood all day but the hurtful remark I made may stay long enough. I cannot take it back, can I?

What makes my ill-will issues worse is that I seem to make procrastination a way of life. I make myself believe that every thing has its own perfect timing. I did not tidy up my room today because I did not feel like to. I hope tomorrow brings better vibe and I will at least sweep the floor. It goes the same with making important phone calls or talking to the boss. I always procrastinate and only do them when I am at peace with ‘the voice within’. Normally it works for me! So far I have no regrets of telling or doing things later than I was supposed to. I even believe that denying my gut feeling will bring adverse effects; that doing things sooner than what I was prepared for would be detrimental. For my part, it would be my peace of mind compromised at the first place.

I am not sure if I can hold on to this habit any longer. In my private life, there are times when I question my ability to make decisions. If I know separation is in store for us, why in the world do I wait any longer to decide it? I know the answer, to be honest the thought of actually having nobody special is more daunting than our misery of non-stop arguing. It is definitely way too late to work on my New Year’s resolution (and I am far too lazy to do that!). I also haven’t got the clear picture of moving on or landing on a better job that will pay me twice as much. But it is not too late to claim happiness. I will start with the most sensible decision of the day. I am going to bed.

I heard this line –if I am not mistaken- from the movie Dangerous Liaisons starred Glenn Close and my all time favorite John Malkovich (I was totally crushed by his cunning, arrogant smile). Bearing in mind the reaction of Vicomte de Valmont (Malkovich) when Marquise de Merteuil (Close) exclaimed this right after he grabbed her arms, this line must have been very hurtful. I had been wondering if I would said this to a man that does not deserve me, a man falls far from my category. I know this sounds horrible but I’m sure anyone has this kind of feelings sometimes :p Feelings of superiority and pride of one’s achievements, I mean. Nevertheless when this pride is translated to one’s relationship with others, this stance is admittedly conceited.

Yesterday I met a friend whom I had not seen for a year. She comes from a wealthy family that has no problem to support her refined lifestyle and her aspiration to study abroad. When we met, she told me about one particular man that tried to court her. He is one of the salesmen that take orders from her family’s shop. It is not surprising that he did not have the chance to finish his upper education. My friend is a nice girl that likes to make friends with everyone and it seems to me that the man is more than grateful for her friendship. After a while it becomes clear that he is interested in having a serious relationship with her. She felt uneasy about this situation and asked me for suggestion. The initial reaction I gave her was ‘What? He has no future!’ –which I know, is cruel and shallow- given the story she told me that he was very intimidated by her status and repeatedly bored her with his remarks of ‘lack of fortune’(such as ‘my house is a shack’, ‘you’re a rich man’s daughter’, ‘I want to take you for a ride but I’m sorry I don’t have a car’). My friend apparently did not want to hurt his feelings by giving him false hope but she wanted to keep their friendship as well. After all, she is single and instead of having no one it is always better to have a friend who adores you and wants to be with you!

I have been in similar situation and I have to say that I reacted differently. I totally did not give them hope because honestly I fail to see anything good of trying out. I am not saying that I am too good for them (although an honor from a prominent state university and a relatively well-paid job of mine may suggest so) but I do weigh compatibilities and share of interests. I could not stand being with somebody when utter silence is almost a promise in every situation. Silence is definitely better than involving him in a conversation he does not wish to attend. And I loathe a man who makes self-pity a part of his regimen. If he knows he is not fortunate, I respect him to shut up and start working things up. I believe in process but cannot bear a difficult one. Not even in the name of love. The fact is the idea of falling in love with a guy who does not have common intellectual interest seems laughable. Compared to a situation when you compromise the difference just to avoid breaking his heart (but later you do it anyway when romantic bubbles burst and reality bites), the line ‘You’re beneath me’ is not too nasty at all!

I bought Harry Potter (HP) and The Deathly Hallows on the first day of its launch only to read it half-amused, half-annoyed knowing that this is the end of HP adventures. It’s been 10 years since the first book of HP series was published. I instantly fell in love with HP and all characters depicted in the book by the ingenious writer, JK Rowling. I love the way she described the characters, settings, and especially the way the story goes. I mean, how many living writers today have the ability to imagine the ending of his/her story from the first time he/she writes? JRR Tolkien is so dead (I know what you’re suggesting). Considering the complexity and richness in this series, it’s truly a noteworthy achievement of human minds.

I once thought that JK Rowling did not write any of this on her own. I believed that she only described what she saw. It is very likely that Rowling stepped into some Pensieves (Potter’s and Dumbledore’s) and got out with crystal clear pictures of the story. Otherwise, how could you explain the vivid and picturesque details in every single page? If one Muggle had the knack of envisaging such a grandeur story in his/her mind, I would certainly question his/her sanity… *I love dramatizing things..hehehe*

However, I finally come to my senses when I reach the ending of HP 7. The-meant-to-be climax was feeble and the resolution was rather Hollywood kind of taste. Harry and Ginny had 3 wonderful kids and they happily watched their sons going to Hogwarts. D’oooh what a Hollywood version of ‘they live happily ever after’!!!

I have no doubt that Rowling had to make a conclusion to Warner Bros liking (consent, to be precise). I can picture the movie in my head; that the finale will be filmed to please public as much as hit the box office. And everybody will be happy, but the true HP fans.

<

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
…one old love
she can imagine
going back to..
and one who reminds
her how far she has come…
(Old flame always flares again, even after so many years. One old love I can imagine going back to is the guy I love most and probably never meet again.)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
…enough money within her
control to move out and
rent a place of her own
even if she never wants
to or needs to…
(absolutely in line with my opinion. Someday I‘ll buy my own house when I am too old to be ‘anak kost’)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
..something perfect to wear if the employer
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…
(Little black dress is a must-have item! It’s understated yet stylish, giving you the instant elegant look)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
..a youth she’s content
to leave behind…
(yup yup…the proud feeling of ‘I’ve been there’ and the long lasting benefit of our rigorous skin/hair/beauty regime ^__^)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
…a past juicy enough that
she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age…
(Ladies…remove the ‘goody goody label’ on your back from now on. Let your wild side see the light of day.)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
…a set of screwdrivers,
cordless drill, and a black
lace bra…
(Some useful tips: watch Bob The Builder and read

Victoria

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
..one friend who always makes
her laugh… and one who lets her cry…
(Can we have a 2-in-1 package? *fingers-crossed*)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
…a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone
else in her family..
(I’ll have some Avant-Garde furnitures in my living room one day).

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
…eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored..
(I wish I were Bree Van de Kamp. Unfortunately, I’m more like Susan Mayer who is practically useless in the kitchen…)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
…a feeling of control over her destiny…
(We are the master of our own destiny. Unless you are a geisha, stop acting like a protégé who relies on her patron).

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
how to fall in love without
losing herself…
(errr…this is tough. Be sensible and value yourself before stepping into the wilderness.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
..how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…
and how to change a tire!!!!!!!
(Don’t lose your courage no matter what. Keep your chin up and walk gracefully whatever life throws at you.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
…when to try harder… and
when to walk away….
(Ask yourself a question. Are you doing it for you or your ego?)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
…that she can’t change the
length of her calves, the width
of her hips, or the nature of her
parents…
(Thank God, it didn’t mention anything about thighs. It means they are fixable (I hope so!).

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
…that her childhood may not have been perfect…
but its over…
(My one and only grief is that I didn’t have that Barbie doll)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
…what she would and wouldn’t
do for love or more…
(Never let him trample your dignity. It’s unacceptable in every way.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
..how to live alone… even if
she doesn’t like it…
(Sometimes it’s not a matter of choice. You just have to live it and take good care of yourself. Otherwise, there’s nobody to do it for you.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
…whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t
take it personally…
(For a person often accused of being vindictive, I can’t give the best comment about this. I’ll try not to take it personally THOUGH IT’S WAY TOO DIFFICULT!

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
…where to go…  be it to her best friend’s kitchen table.. or a
charming inn in the woods…  when her soul needs soothing…
(I love the charming inn idea better…hehe..of course I’ll take my best friend with me.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t
accomplish in a day..
a month…and a year…

(It’s not necessarily be daily to do’s list. Monthly is fine.

Almost all people I know would admit that my survival rate is high. I’ve always been self-reliant, even more since I left home at the age of 17 for college. I was such a good student that my parents didn’t have to remind me to study. I know my obligations as a daughter as I never wanted to be a free rider. I got free meals everyday, enough allowance to spend on clothes, books, mags, and cassettes (yeah…sound outdated huh?). The least I could do was doing my best to make my folks proud.

Another good thing I’ve learnt along the way is to be adaptable and flexible. I left my Christian elementary school for a state junior high. Less than 5 class mates got admitted to the same school. In other words, I had to adjust myself and make some new friends. And it went all over again in high school and university. At first, I sobbed a lot, worrying that I might not fit in to the new environment. It might have been true if only I had not left my previous baggage (and friends) behind.

One of the most valuable lessons I learnt outside the class room is when I got separated from my girl friends in 3^rd year of high school. They majored in Science and I bravely took the other path : Social ‘sciences’ (the reason I put it in parentheses is the common mockery from lots of scholars who note that social sciences don’t bear the slightest resemblance with ‘real’ physical sciences). Not surprisingly, I had to make necessary accommodation with my new class.

However, the internal need to play safe got the better of me during my college days. Sadly, I didn’t make a lot of friends just because I was reluctant to push my survival rate to the limit. Yet I met my best friends for life (hopefully!). Apart from that fact, I did quite well at college. You bet I needed it for the wild and unraveled employment world. Then first job came in, then the second. The problem is they locate in different part of

Jakarta

. Think about Megamal Pluit and Pondok Indah Mall, and you’ll figure out the difference!

It’s been almost 1 ½ years since I took my second job. Living at the ‘backyard’ of PIM 2, I’m supposed to be having good times as long as I’ve got money to shop. As a matter of fact, sometimes it’s the other way around. One by one, friendship has lost each meaning. Don’t mention my elementary and junior high pals…I’m embarrassed to say that we don’t keep in touch, ever. And my high school buddies? Some of them work in

Jakarta

but frankly speaking, other than having them listed on my Friendster, nothing! I barely call them, let alone meet. Well, there is one in particular. You know who you are Mon ;-p At least I do meet my college friends a couple of times. I guess it’s better than nothing at all. *nervous nail biting*

The biggest blow was when my best friend Antin got married last year. We haven’t met ever since. She’s no longer the one I tell my problems to or share stories with. I definitely miss that part of my life J What can I say? Life goes on… Anyway, sorry I forget to mention my sister. She has been studying in

China

for four years now. That too, added to the equation, leaves me lonelier than ever. And of course, Benny who went home for a short holiday and flew back to

Melbourne

3 months ago.

To tell you the truth, there are times when I am vulnerable and sensitive. I get to think that I was born to be a lone ranger, as much as to doom more friendships than ones I can make. In a way, I now tend to believe that all good things must come to an end. It eases up a little as I anticipate myself for upcoming goodbyes and amicable splits. Still, it hurts me when we grow more and more distant (geographically and most important, emotionally). It’s like watching a slow motion movie when two people who once shared every bit of their lives, finally walk to different direction. One of them turns left, the other turns right; unknowingly that the distance between them grow inevitably larger.

Okay, I will stop here, hoping that you have a renewed understanding on what is important in life. Survival is a must. You need to survive every storm and difficult phase in your life, as well as be prepared for whatever life throws at you at times you’re on your own. Yet, it is equally important (or even more important?) to sustain friendships you make along the way. After all, life is short-lived and the thought of living the most of it alone surely chills you to the bone!